Learning that you have cancer, then sharing that news with friends and family can be challenging and overwhelming. The conversation is even more sensitive if you have children.
There is simply no easy way to say “I have cancer” to a child, but it is important to prepare them for what’s to come and how it might affect them. In general, it’s helpful to start with an age-appropriate version of the truth. This means that the younger the child, the fewer details are required. Focus on simple, clear language and what they will likely observe or experience.
As kids grow, age, and develop, they may need more information and have more questions. When communication remains open, ongoing, and honest, you can share updates and changes with them along the way, building on existing conversations and making space for their concerns.
Approaching this difficult topic
When a parent is facing cancer, it is essential for a child’s emotional well-being to know that they are not alone in their feelings and fears, and that they are still loved and cared for.
After giving yourself some time and space to process the news, find a neutral time and place where you won’t be interrupted to start the conversation, knowing that questions might bubble up for days and weeks afterward. It’s a good idea to make sure kids are well-rested, well-fed, and relaxed when having this conversation. Try to avoid talking right before bed when kids and parents may be tired.
The following tips can help you share the news of your cancer diagnosis with your children:
- Be honest while keeping it simple. While it might be tempting to sugarcoat the situation, children benefit from knowing what cancer is and what treatment might look like. Start with what they need to know right now, then follow their lead. Some kids may want more details, while others may need to pause and come back to the conversation later. Keep in mind that this is not a one-time conversation, and your honesty builds trust, helping them feel safer in the midst of the unknown.
You might begin by explaining:
- The type of cancer you have
- Your expected course of treatment and how long it might last
- What physical or emotional changes they might notice in you
- How their daily lives might be impacted (e.g., changes in routines or caregiving support)
- Let them know you’re in this together. It is okay to express emotions, including sadness and uncertainty, while reassuring your kids that you are still a strong team. This gives kids permission to experience the range of emotions they are likely to feel as well. You can also model taking care of yourself and let them know when you need their help throughout cancer treatment. For instance, telling them you could use a movie night and early bedtime because you are fatigued is a good way to empower them as helpers, and may help you get the rest you need.
- Give plenty of time and space for questions. Always try to answer your children’s questions about your diagnosis and treatment as honestly as possible for their age and development. Sometimes your answers might even sound like “I don’t know” or “I’m not sure.” That’s okay, too. Just be sure to follow up with them when you have an answer. This lets your kids know that you are always willing to consider and respond to their questions, and will do your best to be honest and transparent with them.
It’s common for parents to worry that once they bring up cancer with their kids, it’ll take over every conversation. But here’s the truth: when kids know they’ll be kept in the loop—and that they can ask questions whenever they need to—it actually frees them up to enjoy the moments in between. Trust and honesty create space for everyday life to still happen. You can check in on them periodically or during natural moments, such as when you have doctor’s appointments or are taking medicine.
Just as you express your feelings, you can encourage your children to regularly share their thoughts and emotions, even the negative or scary ones.
What to say when telling your kids you have cancer
Because of the sensitivity of this conversation, it may be helpful to practice aloud what you will say when approaching the topic of cancer with your children. You can put the following statements into your own words as you share your news with your kids. These phrases can be altered and expanded based on the age and developmental level of your children.
- “I have some important news to share with you. The doctor found a lump in my breast that is made of cancer cells. It’s different from a cold or flu. It’s not caused by a germ, isn’t contagious, and it will take longer to get better. I might even feel worse from the strong medicines before I get better. But I will update you as I have more information.”
- “I need to take a special kind of medicine called chemotherapy. Its job is to get rid of the cancer cells. But it’s such a strong medicine that it sometimes gets rid of the healthy cells too, which can cause side effects like feeling tired or maybe even losing my hair. They will get better when I’m all done with the medicine, but it takes time.”
- “There will definitely be some ups and downs, but we are going to get through it together.”
- “During my treatment, some things will be the same and some things will be different. For example, you’ll still go to school, but I might need help getting you ready for school.”
- “Even if I look different or don’t feel great, I still love you and I’m still here for you.”
Know when to ask for help
Leading with honesty and keeping the lines of communication open are important ways to support kids through a parent’s cancer diagnosis and treatment. Even with open communication, children may need additional support if their responses to your diagnosis become out of proportion, prolonged, or intense. Signs your child could benefit from talking to a therapist or school counselor include:
- Frequent meltdowns or emotional outbursts
- Changes in sleep or appetite
- Withdrawing from friends, school, or usual activities
If these signs persist, consider reaching out to a mental health professional who can help your child navigate their feelings and build coping skills.
Additional resources
In addition to NBCF, there are other groups dedicated to the emotional well-being of children and families who have a parent facing cancer. Below are a few organizations to consider partnering with on this journey.
- The Pickles Group: This nonprofit organization provides free peer-to-peer support and resources for kids and teens impacted by their parent or guardian’s cancer.
- Bright Spot Network: This nonprofit organization provides young cancer survivors who are parents of small children with a safe space for individual and familial healing, recovery, and reconnection.
- The Dot Method: Created by a child life specialist and licensed therapist, The Dot Method is an interactive workbook tool to teach kids about cancer.
- Kesem: This nonprofit organization offers free summer camps, day programs, and virtual meet-ups for youth and adolescents facing a parent’s cancer diagnosis, allowing them to connect with peers, process their experiences, and have fun.
- Wonders & Worries: This nonprofit organization provides free, professional support to children and teenagers during a parent’s serious illness or injury.
National Breast Cancer Foundation is here for you—and your family—as you navigate a breast cancer diagnosis. Visit our website to learn about NBCF breast cancer support groups, obtain free educational resources, or find a patient navigator in your area.
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